Today, I committed “douchery.”

Today wasn’t a great day. From the get-go at morning PT, I just wasn’t motivated. I couldn’t concentrate. I wasn’t pushing myself. I was just thinking about my 12 hour watch and just feeling pretty indifferent about everything. It was weird. The day dragged on forever, as can be expected, and I didn’t accomplish much. The worst part, however, was when I was doing turnover with my relief. He had stayed behind and worked most of the day because of some work he had to catch up on, despite having the previous mid watch. At one point a Master Chief came in to observe turnover, and that’s when, as he would later inform me, I committed an act of “douchery.”

I like to think I’m a funny guy, and I like to think most people who know me would also say I’m pretty funny…amongst other things. I have a tendency to make little humorous comments about everything, and most of the time I don’t even realize I’m doing it. It’s just sort of second nature. Well at some point during this session of observing turnover, our Master Chief was giving a pep talk to this guy who is a 2nd class. I guess I said something without thinking, and it wasn’t until 12 hours later that he brought it up as something that pissed him off. He didn’t remember exactly what I said, just that it was “douchery.” When he told me that, and I realized he wasn’t saying it in a joking manner, I did feel like a douche. I’ve joked around with this guy before. In fact, I joke around with all the guys I work with. It wasn’t necessarily the joke that got to him, but it was that I did it in front of the Master Chief. While I didn’t think it was a big deal, apparently he did.

I walked home feeling really bothered by it. At the beginning I was trying to justify it in my head. “Oh he just can’t take a joke” I told myself. I didn’t want to accept the fact that maybe I was actually sort of an asshole. Eventually I accepted that, yes, I was an asshole. I can stand being an asshole normally, but I wasn’t just Jim the asshole here. I was a “WTF IT1, why are you acting like an UNPROFESSIONAL asshole?” asshole. I’m still really bothered by it, because I truly feel like I let him down. I’m cool with him on a first name basis outside of work, but I really failed to respect the line between being Jim at the bar, and Petty Officer First Class at work. I think that was the first time that I really realized that I am a First Class Petty Officer. There are people who are looking up to me. Whether I wanted it or not, there was someone junior to me who was looking at me to be the guy who acted like his First Class and I let him down. I was completely unprofessional, and sounding like Joe Navy be damned, I really let myself down too.

I was thinking about the rest of day and there were a few other instances that I really failed to meet the expectations of a FCPO. I was complaining about something that I really shouldn’t have been complaining about in front of the junior guys. I should have just kept it between me and the other First. A couple of the guys were working longer than they should have been. I didn’t really need to do anything, but I could have done something. I really wasn’t that busy. I had time to do a stupid UPC CBT on NKO, and I didn’t even think to myself “hey Jim, you know all those times you talk about others being shitty leaders and just not giving a shit about their people…you’re doing the same fucking thing, asshole.”

I really do feel like I failed myself and those I work with today. Fortunately, I don’t think I’ve become labeled as THE douchebag yet, so I have some time to get my shit together and start contributing. There are some things I definitely have to change. I need to really understand the position I’m in, and how I see myself is completely different than how the junior guys see me. I feel foolish that I thought I was some cool First Class or something, and to this guy, I was just another asshole who gets paid more than him. It’s an eye-opening experience and I really think it was necessary to help me become a better First Class, and most importantly, a better leader who is devoted to his people and not his stupid reputation.